Saturday, December 24, 2016
The Tajji Diaries: Farewell.
Friday, December 23, 2016
In Troubled Times: Bouncing Off the Bottom
Last week I had a meltdown. It did not take the form of
tears, irritability, or burning pots of
vegetables (as I am wont to do when I
am upset and distracted). Instead, a horrible doomsday scenario popped into my
mind and I could not talk myself out of it. Normally I’m not given to imagining
worst-case no-hope futures. I try to keep in mind that no matter how distraught
I am at any given moment, whatever is bothering me will not last forever. (This
goes for good times, too. All life is impermanent.) This time, however, the
dreadful sequence had taken hold and would not be dislodged.
So I did what I have been advised to do about other
problems. I put my nightmare out there and asked folks what they thought. I
often joke that we muddle along because we’re not all crazy on the same day. I
figured that even though my brains had taken a sharp turn to crazyland, there
were some saner people out there. Some agreed with me, others had their own
dire forebodings, and still more had confidence that wiser heads would prevail.
After I’d calmed down, I had a serious moment of “What got
into me?” I admit that I was a little embarrassed at losing it, especially in
such a public way. I tried to make light of the situation by joking that aliens
had eaten my brains (one of my stock explanations for moments of temporary
insanity).
Then I remembered to be kind to myself. No harm had been
done, after all, except to the illusion that I am always calm and rational.
That’s a good illusion to shatter now and again for fear of being insufferable.
Through painful experience, I’ve learned the importance of getting friendly
with things that upset or frighten me. What if my lapse were doing me a favor
and what might it teach me?
Once I got some distance from the moment of panic, I
realized that I’d been expecting myself to progress in a straight, continuous
manner. No backsliding or side tracks. No relapses. Recovery sometimes works
like that, but more often it’s full of slips and detours, three steps sideways
to every step forward. Just as when an alcoholic or addict “hits bottom” before
they are ready to make substantial changes in their attitudes and lives, going
“off the deep end” was a wake-up call for me. I saw then that I had been
stressed by more than the political situation. We have two sick or injured
pets, one of whom will likely not recover and will have to be euthanized.
Several other challenging events have occurred that, taken singly, would be
manageable, but all together on top of
everything else pushed me off-center.
I’m grateful to the friends who offered sage (and
not-so-sage) comments and thereby helped me to gain perspective on my own
condition. I’m incredibly annoyed that the universe ganged up on me in so many
ways all at once. I’m also appreciative of the experiences I’ve had (good, bad,
insane) over the years that have shown me I am not invincible but that if I am
willing to ask for help (and then take it), I am resilient and resourceful. I
value everyone and everything in my life that helps me to keep my priorities
straight.
Labels:
doomsday scenario,
forgiveness,
friendship,
meltdown,
mental health,
Presidential elections 2016,
self-care
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
In Troubled Times: Annoyed? Irate!
As the days post-election melt into weeks, I observe myself
moving from disbelief to despair to relative calm . . . and now to feeling just
plain annoyed. I am tired of the news being dominated by one horrible
announcement after another, and even more tired of how much attention is paid
to the continuous verbal effluvia flowing from the president-elect. I am tired
of being jerked around emotionally by a bloviating buffoon whose chief delight
seems to be keeping everyone else off-balance. I’m tired of every conversation
about the news beginning with “Guess what outrageous thing president-elect/his
newest appointee/some member of Congress just said?”
It’s one thing to be appalled and frightened by the
statements of politicians now in power. There’s a time to focus on politics and
a time for other parts of my life. It’s quite another to have my thoughts and
days hijacked by irresponsible sensationalism. Not to mention counterfactual
(aka “lies”) distortions. Remember the meme of the person who can’t sleep
because somewhere on the internet, someone is wrong? When my brain gets taken
over by provocative statements, that’s where I am, duped into a cycle of
research and refutation. It’s a gazillion times worse if I give in to a lapse
in judgment and actually reply to one of those folks-who-are-wrong. That never
ends well, no matter how many times I persuade myself into believing otherwise.
Social media do not, by and large, promote genuine discourse, but I get sucked
into trying. Of course, the responses only get me more wound up. That’s my responsibility,
because I know better. But I really would like to be able to glance at the news
or visit a social media site now and again without having to fend off the lure
of the outrageous.
Why is the fruitcake
(and surrogates) dominating the news? I swear, every time he twitches a finger
(especially in proximity to his cellphone), it makes headlines everywhere. On
his part, the tactic of controlling the dialog by throwing out pompously
outrageous lies is nothing new. That’s how he dominated the primary debates. He
got billions of dollars worth of free air time during the general campaign by
poking one hornets’ nest after another. Now he’s doing it on an international
scale. And the news media buy into it every time, battling the hydra that grows
a hundred heads for every one they whack off with facts. We’ve gone from
sucking all the oxygen out of the room to sucking all the oxygen out of the
news sphere and now the world.
I draw the line at sucking all the oxygen out of my head.
Okay, I’m not hopeful that the media will take my suggestion to just ignore any
sentence that includes “Trump” and “Tweet,” nor am I a good enough nerd to
reprogram my computer to do that for me. Nor do I want to shut myself away from
news of any sort. For one thing, I know myself well enough to admit that would
be too anxiety-provoking. I will likely do better when I become better at not
responding to trollishness.
But right now, mostly I’m annoyed to the point of being
downright pissed. I recognize that anger can be friend or enemy. It’s
energizing, which can be exhausting if I spend too much time wound up, or
focusing if I master it. If I give in, I run the risk of descending into petty insults
and ad hominen fallacies. Or I can
use it to point the way to improvements in my own attitudes and behavior. What’s
getting to me, and why? My anger can show me the line between things best
shrugged off and those that call for action.
This, however, is how I feel today:
Artemisia Gentileschi, Judith and Holofernes |
Labels:
anger,
mental health,
Presidential elections 2016
Friday, December 9, 2016
In Troubled Times: Antidote to Despair
Recently a friend voiced her despair about the effect of the
elections and the president-elect’s nominations on the future of the planet. She
said “fear” was too mild a term. Her conversation kept referencing the
Permian extinction event and the destruction of the Earth. I admit I didn’t
respond well. I tend to react to emotion-laden exaggerations of complex issues,
and that reaction overrode the compassionate thing to do, which was to listen
to her feelings. My mind flipped from a conversation about emotions to one
about facts. Needless to say, she was not interested in whether current
projects are for a target global warming of 3.6 degrees or 4 degrees Celsius.
In observing my own mind, I notice what I do when faced with
the notion of looming ecological disaster. I run away to information. In this
case, at least, I find it calming. The facts don’t change, but researching the
issue and reading the considered opinions of people with legitimate scientific
credentials who have studied the matter in depth changes my emotional reaction.
I suspect a portion of this runs along the lines of, “Whew, I don’t have to figure this out all on my own!” I’m only one of
many who are grappling with the problem.
Clearly, this was not my friend’s process. A little bit of
information (the Permian extinction event plunged her into even greater hopelessness.
From this I take away something so simple, its profound truth often escapes me:
we don’t all cope with stressful news in the same way.
I’ve written about paying attention to what makes me feel
calmer or more distraught, and then making mindful choices. Although information
is helpful to me, it can also have an addictive quality. We writers joke about
doing so much research on a novel project, the book never gets written.
Similarly, I can mire myself in one source after another until I go numb. That
numb state is a sure sign I’ve either made a poor choice or gone too far.
Blogging about my process, however, seems not to have a down
side. I suspect this is because such writing puts me in better touch with my
feelings and increases my sensitivity to what is good for me and what is harmful.
It has the added benefit of being of service to others who are wrestling with
the same issues, searching for a way through the morass of upset feelings to a way
forward in what the Buddhists call “right action.”
Reaching out to others, offering my help, sharing my
experience and insight and listening to their own, all these things lift me
from despair.
What things help you?
Labels:
despair,
hope,
mental health,
Presidential elections 2016
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
The Tajji Diaries: The Wolf in Winter
Tajji December 2016 |
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Tajji, the
retired seeing eye dog we adopted in 2014. She is a sweet, loving dog, but had
become leash-reactive (not aggressive) to other dogs and sometimes people,
making her unsuitable for service work. We worked with her, enrolling in “reactive
rover” classes that used positive techniques to lower her anxiety and teach us
to help her out in challenging situations. Although she was already an old dog,
she learned new tricks: eye contact with humans, “let’s go!” detachment from stressful
situations, “puppy Zen” and more. She’s made significant progress, and even
though from time to time we are surprised by oncoming dogs on our walks, she
trusts us to get her to a safe place. Consequently, she’s better able to
tolerate the presence of other dogs while on leash. We’ve been able to walk her
by yards with barking, lunging dogs, using our management techniques. Although
we continue practicing, we don’t hold out hope that one day we will be able to
walk her anywhere, with pass-bys with other dogs and other difficult
situations. This is fine with us. Our deal with Tajji is a safe and happy
retirement, and so far that’s the case. She clearly enjoys her walks (and all
the neighborhood dog and wild animal smells); when we get out her harness, she
romps around the living room, tail wagging madly, before dashing for the back
door. Her joy is contagious, especially on frosty mornings when we aren’t all
that enthusiastic about going for a walk. She gets us out the door.
In addition to walking on paved roads, we have found a place
to take Tajji hiking. A nearby retreat center has given us permission to walk
with her on their trails as long as we pick up after her and she is on leash.
For this, we use a retractable lead to give her a greater range to roam. Some
of the paths are fairly smooth and level, but others are definitely hiking
territory, narrow twisty trails that involve changes in elevation and scrambling
over fallen trees. She loves these hikes, and clearly they exercise her brain
as well as her body.
Tajji and Shakir hanging out |
Tajji came to us with only rudimentary cat skills. We’re
pretty sure she was exposed to them by her initial foster family, but her blind
owner didn’t have cats. She has a very low prey drive for a German Shepherd
Dog, undoubtedly due to Fidelco’s breeding, selection, and training standards.
We took our time introducing her to our two dog-savvy cats, and she has become
fast friends with the male. They play chase, he rubs up against her, and they
often “hang out” or cuddle together.
In the 2 ½ years we’ve had Tajji, she has become noticeably
more gray in the muzzle. Although she has no major health issues, she limps
occasionally and moves stiffly on cold mornings. She will trot willingly, but
no longer wants to run. The vet prescribed supplements and NSAID arthritis
medicine as needed, and the combination seems to make her more comfortable. But
given her age and how hard she has worked (physically as well as psychologically),
we feel she is entitled to take it easy. We try to take her for a walk or hike every
day to keep her joints and muscles in shape.
The other major physical change we have noticed is a
deterioration in Tajji’s hearing. As far as we can tell, her vision is still
quite good, but she no longer responds instantly to someone knocking at the
door or being called from across the house. Commands spoken in a soft voice must
often be repeated more loudly. Fortunately, we began teaching her hand signals
as soon as she came to live with us, and we have been relying on those more and
on verbal commands less. She seems quite content with the shift.
I’ve heard folks say they want to get a puppy so the dog
will bond with them and won’t come with any bad habits. Tajji came to us with
her own history, training, and personality. She presented us with challenges;
some we have resolved better than others. She isn’t perfect, and neither are
we. But with a little patience, a bit of perspective on what’s really
important, and a huge serving of love, we get to share in the joy of her
twilight years.
Labels:
dog training,
dogs,
dogs and cats,
seeing eye dogs
Monday, December 5, 2016
In Troubled Times: Facing the Problem Squarely
A few days ago, John Scalzi wrote
in his blog, Whatever, “…the
Trump administration and its enablers are going to make a mad gallop out of the
gate to do a whole bunch of awful things, to overwhelm you with sheer
volume right at the outset.”
Pretty shocking statement, huh? That was my first reaction.
My second was that Scalzi is very likely correct. All the signs are there…all
the signs that in my panic-stricken moments, I want to ignore so hard they go
away.
My next reaction was to surrender my mind to a gazillion
chattering monkeys, each with her own idea of What Must Be Done Right Now. I
can work myself into a downright tizzy in no time this way. Not only that, I
can paralyze myself with too many alternatives and no way to prioritize them,
jumbling actions I might take with those that are impossible or unsafe (crazy-making)
for me.
Any of this sound familiar?
It’s all based on a false choice. I don’t have to either prepare now for the logically
impending “awful things” or play
ostrich on the river in Egypt. But in order to see other, saner alternatives, I
must first evict the Monkeys of Panic so I can regard the situation calmly.
We’re in for some hard times, and knowing that is a relief.
At first, it seems counter-intuitive to say that
acknowledging we are in for some dark times comes as a relief. The relief is
because instead of nebulous fears running rampant, bursting into exaggeration
and melodrama at every turn, vulnerable to any sort of fact-free hype, I’ve
stepped away from the emotional storm. I’m facing the problem squarely, as my
tai chi teacher used to say. We’re in for some tough times, and likely there
will be a whole slew of bad news in the early months of 2017.
When I’m no longer trying to deny or distort the way things
are (for example, Trump’s cabinet choices and what is known about them, or what
he has said he will or won’t do) I not only become calmer, but better able to
see things I might do, alone or in solidarity with like-minded folks.
This is based on a simple truth that in order to act
effectively, I need to be sane. I can’t be sane if I’m bouncing off the walls
at every headline on social media. I could, of course, disengage entirely from
social media and refuse to read or listen to any sort of news. But I don’t want
to do that. I want to stay engaged, but in a mindful way. I want to know what I’m
up against. Once I stop fighting the reality of what that is, I free myself to
use my energy and time in productive ways. I don’t know exactly what form these
tough times will take, but I don’t need to prepare for every twist and turn. I
can trust my ability to respond appropriately and creatively.
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